Just a Dream

4 years ago today I had a miscarriage.  My heart broke into two pieces and one of those pieces went to live in Heaven.  It's strange how when it happens you think the hurt will never end.  Every time my period came that first year I felt my heart breaking over and over.  It's all the little things in the first couple of years that could make you start crying.  Your friends sweet little babies, the baby aisle at any store, commercials, articles, Pinterest, there were so many triggers in those first two years.  Now here we are 4 years later and it's still an ache.  We've learned to let go and know that it wasn't meant to be.  We've stopped hoping and wishing and we're content with our family of three.... but there will always be that what if.  On this day every year our family pauses to remember and think about that what if.

What if Zion Amie had been born on Earth instead of Heaven?  Would she have been as content a baby as her big brother?  Would she have had chubby cheeks and legs?  Would her eyes have been brown or blue or a blend like her brother's?  Would her hair have been a little red?  Would she have loved to rock and swing?  Would she have been a restless sleeper or snug like a bug?  Would she have toddled fast chasing after cats, dogs, and David?  Would she have loved to listen to stories?  Would she have been a spinner, a twirler, a little dancer?  Or would she have dug in the mud and searched for bugs?  

Four years - she would be four this year.  She would be walking and talking.  Running and laughing.  Playing with dolls or trucks.  She would be in preschool for the first year.  She would be learning her letters and her numbers.  She would be dreaming about being a ballerina, a zookeeper, a princess, or a ninja.  She would be 4 and she would be loved to the moon and back.